First, Merkins, a message to you, Of some bits you'll not have a clue, 'Cos This saga eccentric Is quite Anglocentric, So some footnotes may give you a clue. * * *"Ah, Jim lad,"said Squire Trelawny, "Come look at these pics, they're quite porny, See these ladies cavort On a hot beach resort," The lad soon was feeling quite horny.
"Here's a picture of one, legs spread wide, That spot 'neath this hair's where they hide The wonderful treasure, That gives men such pleasure, In search of which many men died."
But now he gets terribly boring, For proof of this statement he's poring; Tales of Helen of Troy, And Delilah's hair ploy, And soon our Jim Hawkins is snoring.
Jim wakes with a start. That unkind Squire's taken him from behind. "'Tis a poor substitute For a lady so cute, So that beach place we just have to find."
To the docks then, they're very soon gone; Meet a one-legged bloke called Long John, On account of his dick, Two feet long, very thick, And his parrot, who's called Spotty Ron.
"I'll get ye a ship and a crew, I'll fetch 'em and meet with you two At van Gogh's pizzeria, He's the chap with one ear-ia, We'll figure out what's for to do."
The parrot said: "Pizzas for eight, Followed by pieces of Hake" "Oh, bird, shut your beak, But first, what's for sweet?" And the parrot squawked "Pieces of cake."
John Silver And young Jimmy Hawkin, Along by the ale house were walkin', They heard voices waft, From out the wine loft... "Ah, Jim lad, that's just the booze talkin'."
Long John introduced next the crew: The lookouts were Blind and Deaf Pugh, Dibble a land lub- ber, Cuthbert and Grubb, And helmsman, one Barney McGrew.
On deck soon they all could be found, All wondering if they'd be drowned, "To stations then, crew. Weigh anchor, Deaf Pugh!" "Yes cap'n, 'bout 300 pound." To south then, they soon sailed away, And travelled for many a day. They found the Azores, Where they boffed a few whores, But mostly with Jim the crew lay.
And so, as in all of these tales, They drove on through storms and huge gales, In the winds the masts bent, Till the storm's lust was spent, As did Jim, with the crew on his tail.
They went on a wild goose chase, With never a sign of the place. "Well, let's try the Med," John Silver now said. Quoth the parrot: "Yes, Pisa or Thrace."
To Cyprus, Corfu, and Capri, And the pirates all went on a spree, But the duty-book's whim, Meant the watch fell to Jim, And the fleshpots he never did see.
At last, after days 43, With Jim's ass as sore as can be, Came the shout, "Land Ahoy!" From our brave cabin boy... 'Twas that paradise, Clacton-on Sea.
So nowhere had Jimmy found sport, 'Til they came to that strange foreign port, Where a lady, tattooed, Stood there in the nude, With a wink of her thighs Jim was caught.
Printed on belly and breast, Were the names of the men she loved best, The marks were so numerous, From buttocks to humerus, Fifteen men on our Debra's chest.
So Jim got at last some yo-ho, And a bottle of rum helped him go, Exploring her chasm, Giving many orgasms, Until he had worn out his hoe.
Notes: Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb are characters in classic BBC kids' TV show.
Clacton-on-Sea: Tired English seaside resort.
Last updated: Fri, 08 Dec 2000.