I've not had a go yet at Dickens, But hang on now, don't count your chickens. his Great Expectations Is ripe for execration... Let's see now. ah-ha, the plot thickens.
Pip lived with his uncle, Joe Gargery, And his aunt, who might well be named Marjorie. The lad, in poor health Used to play with himself, So they thought, on the whole, by and largery...
They'd send him off to an old biddy, Who fancied a nice young male kiddy, Name of Anne Hathaway, Who once had it away, With Bill Shakespeare, until he got giddy.
And as he walks in with head bowed, He finds a young tart, oh so proud. And she is too haughty To do anything naughty,Though by heaven she is well endowed.
This strumpet is named Esmeralda, Not 'Stella as Charlie D tells ya, She's been bred for one part, Just to break poor men's hearts, But Pip feels his dong growing hardier.
Old Hathaway said "Are you avle, Young Pip, to perform on the table? You could pull down your pants And do the old dance, With Esme attached to your cable."
(The old dance, for those too naive, Is the one that the serpent showed Eve, Thus she taughtd her young man That there's plenty you can Do well once you've shed your fig leaves.)
But proud Esmeralda was coy. She'd not soil herself with this boy. So he grabbed the old crone, And showed her his bone, Which she took with the greatest of joy.
That young lad was what she desired, So she stripped of what she was attired, But contact then came 'Twixt her dress and a flame, Which in turn set the whole place afire.
From then on it is quite a bore; Young Pip, who has started so poor, One day meets an arch Aussie crook on the marsh, And ends up with wealth in great store.
'Cos this character antipodean, Who fast from the law is now fleein' Gets Pip a job, turns him into a snob, A prig of a sub-human bein'.
He meets up again with Estelle, In London town where both now dwell, But Pip still can't prise His dong 'twixt her thighs 'Cos Quasi has now rung her bell.
Now for once Dickens was slightly witty, And on Esme taking some pity, A sequel he wrote, 'Bout the things 'neath her throat, And he called it The Tale Of Two Titties.
So there in the end I have got, Almost the whole way through the plot. I hope Charlie D Won't be too hard on me, When we meet in that place that's so hot.
Tiddy Ogg.
Last updated: Tue, 21 Sep 1999.