There's many a song of high born gal who gets damp round the muff,
At thought of gypsy, pedlar , serf or other bit of rough.
This one is based on Matty Groves, which may, or not, be trad,
But sung by Fairport C the thing is really not too bad. (1)
The date is May the first, the year is 1392,
Lord Arnold's wife matilda's here, the maypole for to view.
She spies a handsome yokel, cries: "You, dirty little man,
Come back with me and bed me, take me every way you can."
Says Muttley: "Hang on, missus, your old man will run me through,
When he finds I've been rogering his crumpet, namely you."
But she replies: "He's far away, a-unting fox and badgers,
So come home, strip me naked, and let me feel your nadgers."
They bang away till almost dusk, when cries she: "Zut alors!"
(She likes a bit of French,) "Mon dieu! Mon mari's at the door!"
But he's at point of climax, then, and by the time he's done,
Lord Arnold's on the threshhold, and there is no chance to run.
"I see you've fouled my feather bed, and buggered up my sheets,
And filled Matilda with a will, but now's the time for cheats
To get their just come-uppance, man, I ought to have you flayed,
So think yourself damn lucky that this Lord's a real gay blade."
And over what comes next, I think we'd better draw a veil,
But several hours later Muttley crawls home, looking pale.
His fundament's as sore as if he'd sat upon a spike,
And I don't think, for several days, he'll ride upon his bike. (2)
* * *
(1.) The song "Matty Groves" has been recorded several times by folk-rock group Fairport Convention, Including at least one version with amazing electric fiddle effects.
Apart from one line, and the approximation to iambic heptameter form, the above bears practically no resemblance.
(2.) Noting the date in verse 2, it would be nearly 500 years before he could ride his bike.
Saturday, March 05, 2005