A smelly old mariner bold, To a guest at the wedding feast told His sad, dreary tale Of his life under sail, And his trials in heat and in cold.The guest said we don't give a toss, About you and that damned albatross, Then they pulled down his pants, And forced him to dance A jig round the old altar cross.
The bridegroom stood there with his bride, Waiting to get her outside, For they'd booked a hotel, And he knew very well, Of champagne and a bed long and wide.
The capering seaman she sees, She trembles and whispers, "No! Please!" At that ghastly pariah, Whose balls are on fire, And his albatross hangs to his knees.
"It's my Uncle Arthur. What fate! He ravished me when I was Eight." Then that old paedophile, Still giggling the while, Cried "Come on then my niece, let us mate!"
His gnarled old hand grabbed at her dress, (She no longer showed much distress.) So onto the altar He lay his brother's daughter, And into her body did press.
By now she'd got over her fright, And accepted that thing with delight, While the husband-to-be, "Cried out "Bugger me! After that I can never impress."
The guests now were getting quite heated; Not one of them wished to be cheated, Soon the aisles and the pews Ran with love's sweet juice, As the acts of the bride were repeated.
The bridegroom said "Well, Bugger me." The vicar replied"allow me. Bend over my son, And we can have fun, Though the archbishop may not agree."
So all but the bridegroom did boff, (The vicar's wee tool had gone soft,) "You've fucked my dear wife," He cried, wielding a knife, And the mariner's tool was sliced off.
"You've murdered my old albatross," Yelled the mariner, "So now it's not poss- ible to sow my seed In these women with need. You'll be curs-ed for causing this loss."
So now that we're back with the plot, Their marriage was frigid, not hot, For he couldn't compete With that Seafarer's meat. And for the rest of their lives they just fought.
Tiddy Ogg.
Last updated: Sun, 19 Sep 1999.