Once upon a time I wrote to alt.jokes.limericks:
Tom Hardy wrote Jude The Obscure,
An off-putting title I'm sure,
But limerickation
For your titillation,
Will come 'less you beg me abjure.
* * *
Well so far nobody's objected,
The theme then will not be rejected,
And so I'll essay
To tell it my way,
With probably more spice injected.
Our Jude was some kind of a freak
Who liked reading Latin and Greek,
'Til young Arabella
Who fancied that fella,
Employed a strange courting technique.
A Strange missile from our young maid,
Is cast, and, ere he can evade,
A pig's todger flies,
Hits him twixt the eyes,
And by this love token he's swayed.
She gets him hot under the collar. (and elsewhere.)
His notions of being a scholar,
Are now quite forgot,
He's dreaming of twat...
I'm sure you can guess what's to foller.
The problem for Bella is\: how's
She going this lump to arouse,
To sexual embrace?
The answer's a chase
Of a pig, plus an egg down her blouse.
Witch Bella, advised by her coven,
Declares she's a bun in the oven,
And ere he can falter,
They're stood at the altar
As statutes and custom then govern
The pregnancy's phantom, so now,
They have them an almighty row;
The marriage a failure,
She's off to Australia,
So whither our sad hero now?
(That gets us to end of part 1,
The other five bits aren't much fun:
Objections, rejections,
Ejections, erections
Unsatisfied, till all is done.)
But to fill in a tad:
To college life still he aspires,
So it's off to the city of spires,
(That's Oxford to you,)
There meets cousin Sue,
Which lowers scholastic desires.
He shacks up with sweet cousin Sue,
A thing in the end he will rue.
She's quite liberated,
And much is debated,
But's pretty reluctant to screw.
And thus he's bemoaning this lack,
When lo, Arabella swans back
,
Which frees his right hand,
In a swift one night stand.
As he happily plunders her crack.
She's married again, as has Sue,
So Jude now don't know what to do,
And death and despondency,
Plus co-repondency,
Then plague the whole miserable crew.
'Til Bella returns, makes the lunk
Re-wed her by getting him drunk,
But tough luck on she,
No money, for he
Get sick and he takes to his bunk.
He's dying, so filled with emotion
Our Bella now gets the quaint notion,
To walk round the block,
To find the quack doc
Who years back sold her a love potion.
She feeds him his own foul brew,
It seems that the claims for it's true,
For this fake physician
Adopts the position
To give Arabella a screw.
And thus ends the whole morbid tale,
Which tells us we're all bound to fail,
Unless you have money,
Or if female , a honey,
You'll get by by selling your tail.
But if, reader, you're now voracious,
For love philtre, proved efficacious,
For just a small fee,
You'll get it from me,
It surely will make you rapacious.
If you really want to read the sorry original, it's available on the net as an e-text. Just ask google.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005