On the shores of the great Gitchygoomi,
Hiawatha was standing, quite gloomy,
Watching birds and beasts mating;
It was time he was dating.
"I will build a canoe, big and roomy."

So he built it with birch sticks and hides,
And lined it with 'coon fur inside,
and a chrome figurehead
Of a squaw giving head,
Imagining it  his future bride.

| Some scholars of certain genius,
| have suggested this "girl eating penis"
| Motif thus inspired
| Anon, that great bard,
| In creating the epic "Ship Venus."

He filled it with all sorts of treasure,
Blankets and furs without measure,
And some silk negliglees
He'd bought from Ira Hays,
Whidch he thought would give all the girls pleasure.


|Ira Hays fought the Japs in the war,
| Turned to drink, like so many before,
| His life turned to ash,
| As told by Johnny Cash,
| And he died in a ditch, sickly poor.

|| You may think there's a rift in chronology,
|| But for this I will make no apology.
|| Pass to Einstein your query,
|| It's all down to his theory
|| Of space-time and twists in cosmology.

All the birds whistled,"Hey Hiawatha!
You really are such a tosser!"
And they dropped all their kak
On his wondrous kayak,
Which caused him a great deal of bother.

He pondered now which way to go,
And decided to drift with the flow.
'Cos if he found a whore,
Then he'd give her an oar,
Which would double his power to row.

He arrived in the land of the Chippewas,
And he found that the ladies there wore no bras,
But whith the braves' meat 
He could not compete,
He had never seen such big cigars.

| Now that last verse was quite spurious.
| And Longfellow would have been furious,
| But the Chippewa word,
| Has an ending absurd,
| So to rhyme itI was very curious.

Down the great Gitchygoomi he drifted,
And at last his poor spirits were lifted,
For there in a glade
Stood a young Indian maid,
And with bosoms she was truly gifted.

When he saw this wonderful creature,
Admiring 'most every feature,
He cried "Lady, hey!
I'll take you away."
(Romance was not in his nature.)
She said: "'Fore you take me away,
My old daddy you'll have to pay,
And those moth-eaten furs
And blankets of yours,
Ain't much, dude, so you'd better play...

"It careful and sly with my dad,
'Cos the old fart's not easily had.
If you want your nookie,
You'll be a smart cookie,
Or you will get nothing, my lad."

It's true daddy was hard to please,
But grovelling down on his knees,
And a porn book or two
Saw our hero come through,
And caused the old man to unfreeze.

"So take my girl, Laughing Dollar,
Or as you call the bitch, Money-Ha-Ha,
She's naught but a jerk,
Does no stroke of work,
She ain't worth the half of a Mars bar."

So 'Watha sailed off with his prize,
With his eyes firmly fixed on her thighs,
But did she help row?
I tell you, no, no!
She happily took a free ride.
 
At her muff he's continually peering,
Not looking quite where he was steering,
And they'd ground.  Hiawatha
Would thereupon boff'er,
While the birds and the beasts all stood cheering.







Now I know what you're going to say,
Tiddy's verses all end the same way,
With a down-trodden fell-
ow Going through hell.
For the rest of his life he would pay...

But no, once young Money'd been laid,
She really came oout from her shade,
She was sexy and cute,
Knew the whole Kama Sut-
ra and pleased him the rest of their days.

Tiddy Ogg.


From: "Peter" <PeterW@lims.demon.co.uk>
To: "Tiddy Ogg" <113354.3474@compuserve.com>
Subject: Re: Hiawatha
Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 17:22:08 -0000
Content-Type: text/plain;

 
>On the shores of the great Gitchygoomi,
>Hiawatha was standing, quite gloomy,
>Watching birds and beasts mating;
>It was time he was dating.
>"I will build a canoe, big and roomy."
>
 
 
ROFLMAO!!
 
That was the funniest lim-story I've read in a long time. <G>
 
One for the archives!! ;-)
 
Peter
 

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Last updated: Sun, 19 Sep 1999.