In her neat little "Chocolate box" house,
Old Daisy lived, as quiet as a mouse ...

No, that's boring, how about:

In her neat little "chocolate box" cottage,
Old Daisy lived, round as a sausage,
But her whole life went wrong,
When two kids came along,
Who looked as if they'd been to college.

Through the window she saw their Land Rover,
"We've come all the way up from Dover.
I'm Hansel, she's Gretel,
Go put on the kettle,
We're witnesses of great Jehovah."

"If you're wondering about our strange names,
It's not that our dad was insane,
But the dyslexic vicar
Got a twist in his knicker
And he couldn't spell Harry or Jane."

So now as the story proceeds,
I can change appellations if need,
As through this I lurch,
And frantically search,
For Rhymes for their dastardly deed.

It seems that I'm wandering off topic.
I'm sorry I'll... Ermintrude, stop it!
I can't do it again,
For five minutes or ten,
So get your hand out of my pocket.

She's been watching the bull with the cows,
And as usual she gets so aroused,
Then she comes in to me,
(This is time number three,)
A-tearing off knickers and blouse.

This thing's getting now so disjointed.
It's time that my lips were anointed,
With that magic juice
That apples produce
When fermented. [Get back to the point - Ed.]

You may think that all of these rambles,
Should come as a sort of preamble,
But cutting and pasting
Are very time wasting,
You'll have to put up with this shambles.

So, back to the plot...

They preached of hell-fire and damnation,
Of the menace of money's accretion,
That the meek shall inherit,
That wealth had no merit,
And demanded her bank information.

But they said "You can still lift this curse.
Give us all of the cash in your purse."
She said "I agree, 
But drink up your tea,
I'm sure you have time for that first."

She added "now drink up my dears,
A cup of hot tea always cheers.
And while you two sup,
I'll quickly round up
All the diamonds I got from de Beers."

Now, this being for a.j.l,
I can hear you all starting to yell:
"Hey Ogg, what yer doin',
Where the hell is the screwin'?"
My children, just wait, time will tell.

Old Daisy had powers thaumaturgical,
Far exceeding those fraudsters' liturgical,
And the herbs in the tea
As you shortly will see,
Awakened in them a strange urgical.

For that brew had a herb aphrodisiac,
So Hans threw his sister down on her back,
And pulled out his dong,
(Like this story, too long,)
And proved that of jism he had no lack.

When they climaxed their cries shook the rafters,
They collapsed there amid joyous laughter,
And it sure seems to me,
That we're going to see,
The conventional "Happy ever after."

For proof go to South Carolina,
Daisy's theatre near  great Malo's diner,
And nightly, with flair,
That incestuous pair
Give a show, and you'll never see finer.

Well, here I must leave this word battle,
Erm's come back again from the cattle,
I just can't ignore it,
She's here, panting for it,
Better give my old bone one more rattle.

Tiddy Ogg.
[Roll over Hans Anderson, the future's looking Grimm.]

 

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Last updated: Thu, 23 Sep 1999.