1.
There was a young lady from Boldre,
And dresses she wore, off the sholdre.
So far off, you found,
They'd fall to the ground,
And most of the fellows there roldre.<
"I'm relating the incident in `Witches Abroad' by Pratchett, Gytha," said Granny
Weatherwax.
"Yes," said Nanny Ogg happily.
2.
There was a young lady from Odiham,
Who stripped while she danced on a podium,
She did it so well,
That when her pants fell,
The fellows all fizzed like wet sodium.<
3.
There was a young lady from Pilley,
Who thought contraception was silly,
'Til my cousin Billy
With willy did dilly...
She's now a brood mare, not a filly.
4.
Something like this must have been done before, but what the hell...
You all know of Sarah, from Dummer,
She married a prince one fine summer,
But she wanted more
Than he gave, so the whore
Now screws round the world with all-comers.
5.
Sweet Bethany from old Nether Wallop,
Is really a bit of a trollop,
She'll grab any man,
Whenever she can,
Unzip him and golllop his polyp.
6.
Cecilia, from Chandler's Ford,
Found music was what she adored,
She'd go with Taff Morgan
And play with his organ,
While trying to find the lost chord.
7.
A farm girl from Clanfield was Joyce,
She wooed with her come-to-bed voice.
She'd coo "Plant your seed...
But first you must weed.
The rake or the hoe, it's your choice."
8.
And then there was Margie from Totton,
Whose breasts really strained the thin cotton,
But no, I don't miss her,
For when I did kiss her,
I found that her teeth were all rotten.
9.
A nympho named Suzie, from Ower,
Who fancies a fuck every hour,
Has worn out the boys,
So now she employs,
Machines using 'lectrical power.
10.
From Bristol*, now in Hinton Admiral,
Young Joan shoots porn films with her cameral,
And when the male leads
Get droopy, she feeds
Them elephant form'la viagral.
* In Bristol, as many will tell,
They speak not the way that they spell.
Words ending with A
Or with O, they will say
As though there's a following L.
Bristol was originally called Bristow, I believe, but I believe anything.
11.
12.
And then there was Janie from Hamble,
With figure like Naomi Campbell,
She'd lay on her yacht,
Displaying her twacht,
Then onto my beam she would scramble.
13.
Young Wendy from Highclere I'd cosset,
Ensconced in that warm walk-in closet,
Her dad ran a bank
But she I must thank,
For tucking away my deposit.
Inspired by Betjeman's
Indoor Games Near Newbury which can brde found, with parody, in the "Classics" section.
14.
Now hailing from Fawley is Betty,
The queen of the oil tanker jetty
She'll take from the seamen
Both money and semen,
While getting both greasy and sweaty.
15.
And here we have Jonquil from Hythe,
She's supple and lissome and lithe,
Take care if you boff
That she don't break it off,
As agile she'll wriggle and writhe.
16.
A Brockenhust blonde girl named Cord-
elia, was standing quite bored,
In Watersplash Lane,
Since several days' rain,
And moodily gazed at the ford.
Along came a bloke in a car
As long as the Rose and Crown bar,
He shouted, "Hey honey,
Don't wanna be funny,
But what depth of water's in thar?"
She thought for a minute, said "Bless
My soul, dear, I'd say at a guess,
I reckon there be
About two or three
Odd inches, thereabouts, more or less."
He drives on, but he's out of luck,
And right in the centre he's stuck,
His engine's been drowned.
Cordelia's frowned:
But it's only half way up this duck.
17.
In Hyde where the red roses bloom,
Jane used lighter fuel as perfume,
But frictional heat
From boyfriend Tom's meat,
Made them both disappear with a boom.
18.
Young Mary, who came from Shootash,
Got mad, and your balls she would mash,
If ever you laid her,
And then never paid her,
But boy, she was great if you'd cash.
19.
And then there's Matilda from Swanwick,
She's fond of the odd gin and tonic, (it does rhyme.)
But don't overdose her,
Or when you get closer,
You'll find she is quite catatonic.
20.
The dog track at Portsmouth is where,
You'll often find sexy young Clare
Puts smiles on the faces
Of losers at races...
Just watch what she does with the hare.
21.
There was a young lady from Sway,
Who came home dishevelled one day;
To ma, filled with dread,
The gal sweetly said:
"To the treacle mines I've been to play."
Now Sway is just one place of masses,
Where legend from mouth to mouth passes,
And one such gives fame
To Sway is the claim,
Of mines, viz pits filled with molasses.
"I went there with Shirley from Burley,"
Said Nancy, who'd learned to lie early,
But we know, dear reader,
'Twas Bill Smith, the bleeder,
Who'd firtled the pearl of that girlie.
There isn't much more to relate:
Our Nancy starts putting on weight.
Like so many lasses
It weren't the molasses
That caused her young form to inflate.
A moral I'm tempted to proffer:
If boys sticky things to you offer,
Please put in your mouth,
Not spots further south,
You're safer as sucker not boffer.
You know young Yolanda from Yately,
Lamenting she'd lacked lingam lately?
By the old Dog And Partridge
I shot off my cartridge...
Her belly's now gaining girth greatly.
23.
Samantha from Milford-on-Sea,
Invited the vicar to tea.
As they sat side by side
On the sofa he cried:
"May I put my hand on your knee?"
Sam said"You may certainly not!
That's surely a far too low spot.
So sir, I'd prefer,
You no more defer,
And give a good grope at my twat."
He put down his cup of Earl Grey,
He'd found revelation today.
And soon he was creaming...
Their orgasmic screaming
Could be heard all around Christchurch Bay.
24. has a page to herself:
Jill, the Blackfield lycanthropist
25.
Lavinia Jane from Four Marks, Loved playing with dogs in the parks. Don't know what she did, But she now has a kid, Who's covered with hair and who barks. 26. The aliens abducted from Barton, Young Melanie, (built like Dol Parton,) They screwed her, and that's Why she's three squawling brats, One purple, one green and one tartan. 27. Warning: this verse contravenes guidelines published by the Society for the Abolition of Bad Puns. From north Hants the next on my list: Young boxing belle, Julia Twist. She'll stand for no fools, And the Queensberry rules Obeyed, she's the Andover fist. 28. Here's lesbian Lou from New Milton. Her sexual career has been built on, Refilling the glasses Of innocent lasses, But one day met Jock with his kilt on. Experiencing his phallic invasion, Has proved an awakening occasion; No more does she cruise Filling young girls with booze, She's now of the hetero persuasion. See, it can be cured! 29. From Woolston comes arc welder Mag. Although she's a bit of a hag, When e'er she starts flashing The fellows come dashing In order to knock off the slag. What? It's a welding term for cleaning up the joint. 99.
And lastly, but surely not leastly,
We have Arabella from Eastleigh.
On men she's not keen,
But she'll be obscene
With pigs, goats and other things beastly.
Friday, August 19, 2005