Each night at the tavern you'd see him arrive,
As thin as a rake and stood six feet and five.
Un burdened by brain power, He would believe
Each word that they said when they told him to leave...

... this place in the sticks, and for London to see,
His fortune to seek, find, and rich as could be,
Return from that city, of streets paved with gold,
And then share his wealth with these  true friends of old.

Not wondering why these men had not done the same,
He stood up, walked out, (and they laughed, to their shame.)
He piled his scant goods into large cloth, red spotted,
And off on the road to the city he trotted.

He gets to the city, alas, though, it seems,
Streets aren't paved with gold but with sad shattered dreams.
(Now ain't that a line to be proud of! I'm sure,
That somebody, somewhere has used it before.)

Approached by two tarts, dirty, old, down at heel,
One proffers her charms, and she takes her a feel
Of the bulge in his pants, and in in Dick Van Dyke tones,
Cries "Lor' Luv a duck, that's the emperor of bones."

Our stupefied Dickie stands shocked, his jaw slack,
Then turns for to run, but the Belle calls him back,
And so they troop off to her dingy old flat,
And afterwards sit on her bed chewing qat.

Now qat's a strange herb having narcotic powers,
And keeps Dickie happy for hours and hours.
Employment though's needed, but what firm will need
A shagged-out hick cretin who's high on that weed?

Yes, politics, true, but elections aren't due,
Which cuts possibilities down to but few.
At last he's decided, he'll go on the stage,
A pantomime's starting, and him they engage.

Though not quite the star, it's the best he can get,
The hindermost part of the horse Dobbinette.
And really, my dears, we can leave the tale there,
They've made half-wit Whittingham half of a mare.

* * *

Notes for Merkins, other pesky furriners and those not fluent in gibberish:

Flat = apartment.

Qat = tropical plant whose leaves have a mildly narcotic effect, and very useful in scrabble.

Pantomime = entertainment for children featuring slapstick, audience participation, cross-dressing, innuendo and lesbianism.

Sunday, December 15, 2002