Note:
In the UK we rhyme Philistine,
With the great German river, the Rhine.
So you Merkins must rough it,
Or tell me to stuff it,
If to you it just ain't sounding fine.



Once I read in an old tattered book,
How David, a shepherd boy, took
On giant Goliath,
And if it's no lieth,
He got that bloke to sling his hook.

So David's boss-man, name of Saul,
Said "Stone the crows, Jack, was that all,
you needed, plus luck,
To fell that big schmuck,
Come on lad, and we'll now have a ball."

| "Ogg, you're getting the name wrong!" you cry.
| "No, leaving escape routes," say I,
| For giant-killer Jack,
| Is one devious way back,
| When this dubious tale goes awry.

At the feast Dave says "i beg your pardon,
King Saul, but I'm getting a hard on.
Is that chick your daughter?
She looks just the sorta
Gal who'd go well in the garden."

"That'll cost you," says Saul, "Many sows and
Piglets, sheep and several cows and
Agreat many kine...
No, zap Philistines,
And bring me some foreskins, a thousand.

Dave thinks this a damned strange request,
But off he goes at Saul's behest,
And to Philis does say
"Will you give away
Your todger-cowls?" They're not impressed.

To his 'mazement, the Phils are resistant,
But our Davey, foever persistent,
And a man of few words,
Just hacks off their pork swords,
And into a cart throws their pistons.

The reasoning for this strange mission,
From Saul was a total omission.
The answer of course is,
They're all hung like horses,
And providing too much competition.

So he travels on home with his booty,
On the way, meeting many a cutie,
Who whimpers and wails,
O'er these Philistine tails,
With which they'll no more do their duty.

So Saul Gives his girl as Dave's wife,
And he leads her a hell of a life,
With his battles and fights,
And the carnal delights,
In the whore house on Saturday night.

Well my Ermintrude's starting her  yelling,
And although there's a lot more for telling,
Of how he put the bite
On Uriah Hittite,
I'd better go give her my swelling.

Tiddy.

Solomon and David, led very wicked lives,
Going out each evening, with other people's wives.
But as they both got older, and started to have qualms,
Solomon wrote the proverbs, and David wrote the psalms.

- Glasgow street song.

another drama from the past

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Last updated: Fri, 17 Sep 1999.