The Boxhall Motors drama club has met;
To figure out just who, which part will play.
Their most ambitious stage production yet,
An opera - that Carmen by Bizet.
The heroine would be our typist, Jane,
((Last year in "Lassie" she had played the lead.)
And though she's quite a dog, and rather plain,
She's all we have here of the female breed.
The rivals for her hand are welder Stan,
Whose arc-eye gives to him a constant leer,
And paint shop Ron's apprentice, boozy Dan,
If we can only keep him off the beer.
* * *
Rehearsals done, it's now the opening night,
We've made full use of everything we've got,
And all consider things will be all right,
Although we've made slight changes to the plot.
The curtain rises, there stands sexy Jane,
Her high heels click with castanettic rattle,
Approached by Dan, a swaying slurring swain,
A gallant soldier just back from the battle.
(The battle with sobriety he's lost.)
He gives our Carmen such a searching look,
But Carmen tells the warrior to get lost,
"Vamoose you varmint, go on, sling your hook."
From stage left, like some rather camp Nell Gwyn,
In blond wig, tights, suspenders, comes old Bill.
Says Carmen: "I can't figure-out who're you?"
Replies old Bill "I'm Barbara Seville."
Scene 2: the bullfight: Many "Oles" cried.
Our Stan mud-wrestling with a panto cow, (1)
(That's John and Bob the fitters, there inside,)
And Carmen's really gagging for it now.
The bull's dispatched, and to the crowd's wild cheers,
Our toreador, maintaining outward calm,
Takes sword , cuts off the stricken creatures ears,
And places them in Carmen's sweaty palm.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me those ears."
Cries Dan and lurches on, with drunken sway,
(That's right, the cretin's downed a few more beers,"
He's hustled off with "No fool, not that play."
To end scene two, in chicken costume, flies
A feathered fury, (panel beater Clive,"
Demolishing the scenery, he cries:
"The bantam of the opera's arrived."
Last act: the ears are cooling in the fridge;
Our matador has kicked the bucket - gored;
Our squaddie's gone to fight at Sowerby Bridge, (2)
And Carmen wails in lamentation, bored.
Next enters Jan van Blonk, in airman's clobber:
"Come up with me," he sings. "And stop those tears."
So Carmen stops her caterwaul, and slobber,
And with the flying Dutchman disappears.
(Van Blonk, of course, is played by foreman Norm,
Who, fixed on his strange aviatorial fetish,
Requires this deviation from the form,
Or else the fool storms off in manner pettish.)
The curtain falls with smatter of applause,
Some boos and whistles, and one old lady's snores.
The cast come out to take their curtain calls,
But strangely there is not one shout "Encore."
The canteen staff all rate it a success,
For, clearing up the debris people threw,
They gleefully transport it to the mess,
There's quite enough to make tomorrow's stew.
* * *
(1) Panto = pantomime, a traditional british entertainment for children featuring cross-dressing, lesbianism and audience participation.
(2). An obscure reference to a song, (by Coote, Boyes and Simpson,) about an epic battle against the demon drink, which the participants win, there not being a drop left at the end of the session.
An alternative, equally inaccurate, but raunchier version of
Sunday, September 21, 2003