In a factory that made cigarettes,
There worked a gorgeous brunette,
And the men on her shift
Had a permanent stiff,
but she was Virginian yet.

As down through the works she was strollin',
Lascivious glances were stolen,
But she'd ne'er lift her hem,
For any of them...
They had to make do with hand rolling.

Though lusted by grocers  and barmen,
The hottest for her's a gendarme. An
Incontinent groan,
Meant he'd grown a great bone,
And soon he'd be yelling "I'm Carmen."

| So that horrible pun's out the way.
| It had to be done, though I say,
| Like this verse's rhymes
| It's been done many times,
| Though notthat I know, by Bizet. 

He thinks"Here I'll get me damn-all.
It's just like Delilah and Sam, I'll
Go off, join the Legion,
And in some desert region,
Perhaps I can roll me a camel."


So next comes along our torero
Who swanks "Honey, I'm a bold hero.
Let's get at your plum."
She says"Piss off, chum."
And gives him a thump in the earhole.

He tells her "Now hang on, my dear,
From the next bull I'll give you the ears."
She says "you're a toss-
er, who thinks he's the boss,
It's his todger I want, you damned queer."

"I'm stuck here amid all these fags,
And Tiddy's bad cigarette gags,
So go have your fun,
On that Pamplona run,
Then go off and screw some old slag."

And these honeyed words have him smitten,
That sap by the love bug's been bitten,
And there in the ring,
Thinking just of one thing,
By Ferdie he's tossed like a kitten.

So now Carmelita's alone,
She packs up and moves far from home,
To a house in Southampton,
Where there's punters a-pantin',
For a fiver, to give her a bone.

So down Derby Road you should stride.
She'll see you, invite you inside.
But say Tiddy sent ya
Upon this adventure,
Then maybe I'll get a free ride.

* * *

I guess now, for all of you merkins,
And other strange people who're lurkin'
I'd better declaim,
Some notes to explain,
Or you'll not know your keg from your firkin.

fag = British slang for cigarette.
Derby Road Southampton, UK = red light district of that city.

Tiddy. [I plead insanity to any charges arising.]

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Last updated: Tue, 21 Sep 1999.