There's a fine seaside town they call Blackpool,
Famed for its fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Went there with young Andy, their son...

No! No! Eet's da wronga musica!

Already I've gone far astray,
My senses have long fled away;
So let's try take 2,
And p'raps bring to you,
A tale full of gore and affray.

Dumb Androcles left his young squaw,
Walked out in the jungle, and saw,
Around half past noon,
In the light of the moon,
A lion a-licking his paw.

	What's that? You're already a-whingin'!
	You don't reckon Andy an injun?
	Well, neither did I,
	But may, by and by,
Embarrassed you'll then be a-cringin'.

Now, where was I? Andy, half-wit,
Goes up to the beast: "Kitty kit.
Come show Uncle Andy,
What's that in your handy?"
And pulls a big thorn from its mitt.

A melon, quite hairy, rolls by.
"Hi lion"'s its most friendly cry.
It doesn't reply.
The melon asks why.
"I'm shy, hairy melon, I'm shy."

	You what? It's a very old pun?
	And how, even I, think it fun,
	Is surely a mystery?
	Look kid, this is history,
	And back then it hadn't been done.

The lion says: "Andy, that trick
Was neat, and they say you are thick.
So you I'll not maul;
But give me a call,
When you're stuck and I'll get you out quick."

So Andy goes off, with a wave,
To see his old mate, hermit Dave,
But troops, far from home
From Egypt or Rome,
Soon carry him off as a slave.

He worked there for Queen Neferblutu,
Who danced in a leopard-skin tutu.
On an errand to town
To the park he went down...
In the zoo he viewed someone he knew, too.

You guessed! It was that hairy melon,
On roller skates, going like hell on
Wheels, but our man
Simply grabbed it and ran,
With it stuffed up his shirt, wicked felon.

	What now? Yes, of course they had skates,
	They raced them downhill in those states,
	That's what, nothing more,
	The pyr'mids were for
	As Ovid or Homer relates.

He's caught! What's the sentence? To die on
A cross? Or a spit roast to fry on?
The judges all ponder,
Say "Send him out yonder.
The zoo. Throw him in with the lion."

And the lion is? That's right, you guessed!
Dumb Androcles, too, is impressed.
"I pulled from your pad,
A thorn, my old lad,
So now, puss, of friends we're the best."

Old Leo, he opens one eye,
And pityingly looks at the guy.
"You sure are a twit,
So far we are quits,
You soothed my sore foot, son, but I...

..."Then let you escape with your life,
I then went and ate up your wife.
So now I'll eat you,
With no more ado."
And he did, without fork, spoon or knife.

So Andy got no laurel wreath,
This moral, though, he did bequeath:
With pussy's take care,
And always beware,
'Cos some have got bloody great teeth.



(First verse from "Albert and the Lion" narrated way back by Stanley Holloway.)

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Last updated: Thu, 30 Aug 2001.